five-year reunion

I just got back from my reunion at Susquehanna. It was awesome to see Terri and Alyssa--I hadn't seen either of them since graduation. It was also awesome to see Gary, who's gone from an advisor and professor to a good friend. And it was good to see my old voice teacher, but sad to hear about the rough time she's having right now. I need to send her a card. I bought a new SU long-sleeved t-shirt, very cute, and a window sticker for my car that I might or might not use. Mostly it was just strange to be back there when no one I know is still a student. My last visit, there were at least a few people I knew, like Adri and John, who were still students. But now everyone I knew has graduated. It's a different school, and my only connections to it anymore are the friends I've hung onto and my memories. But it's good to see that some things don't change. The gingko berries still fall off the trees onto the walkway in front of Steele Hall. Dr. Holt's pond is still all full of scum. The hallway outside of Deg Theater still smells like the hallway outside of Deg Theater. They still make the exact same pizza and fries in Encore Cafe, even if they call it Bennie's Place now. And even though they completely remodeled the caf and moved the entrances, the music nerds all still sit in the same corner where the door used to be. That was really heartwarming, actually. A whole lot of the things that were part of my experience of Susquehanna are completely different now, but there are still kids wearing SAI and PMA letters sitting in that corner of the caf.

It's always weird to go back to Susquehanna. I absolutely loved being there, and it was completely the right school for me, so much so that I didn't even study abroad because I didn't want to give up any of my semesters there. But as much as it was home for me, it's a home that regularly turns out its inhabitants, you know? It's not home anymore. It's familiar and good, but I used to belong there completely and now I don't belong there at all. I miss the place, but going there isn't like going home; going there actually makes me more homesick for it. It's not the school itself but my experience of the school that I miss, and everything that was involved in that experience: the girl I was then, the classes I took, the friends and teachers I cared about. All of those things are over or gone. I'll never live in Reed Hall again, never tutor my friends in grammar class, and never joke around with Walt about palindromes--and that's just one sliver of a memory out of the millions I have of that time in my life. Even if everyone I loved went back for a reunion, we're all older now, different people, and it wouldn't be the same. And it's not even possible that everyone *could* go back, because there are people who can never come back, people I'll never see again: John, Nicky, Walt. Susquehanna was something that was wonderful for me but it is really, really over and it'll never happen again, and that makes me really sad. I sometimes worry that being there was the best time in my life and I'll never be that happy again, but that's not a healthy way of thinking. Of course I'll never be happy like that again, because I'm not the same person I used to be. I need different things to make me happy now, but I still suspect that if I gathered up everyone I care about and stuffed them in a residence hall where we could all live together that that would go a long way.

I could really use a hug from Miles right now. Or Paul Towsley circa freshman year when we were still tight friends, or Matt Cornish, or Tom Hnatow before he lost all that weight and turned into a skeleton, or Crawford, or Kari who I didn't even call while I was in town, or Leilani who lives on the other side of an ocean from me, or Amanda or JennAllen or JenRock. Heck, I'd like another hug from Terri, who is at the moment on a plane back up to Maine and who knows when I'll see her again. I would love a hug from Nicky right now, but I think she was laughing with us this weekend. Alyssa and Terri and I were definitely thinking of her, and of John and Walt. I wish I could slip back into, say, junior year, just for a few minutes, and just breathe that life in one more time.