an email i sent

[supercheesegirl]

so i just did a brave thing. i think.



see, i went to a Catholic high school, and four of my best friends in the world are people i knew from high school. of the five of us, i'm the most liberal, and lauren is the most conservative, with rose falling more toward my side and missi and colleen falling more toward lauren's. in high school we started having discussions about abortion which frequently ended with yelling and tears, and so we sort of mutually decided that there are some things we just shouldn't talk about too often if we don't want to hurt each other. i love these women more than almost anybody else, i respect their opinions, and i'm proud that they're sticking strongly to what they believe, but that doesn't mean i agree with them or don't get mad at them for holding beliefs that seem terrible (or even just silly) to me. it's not even just that they disagree with me--they're allowed to have their own opinions and they wouldn't be them if they didn't. it's more that i expect a lot from the people i love and respect; i expect all my friends to think carefully about their decisions and opinions and beliefs, just as i expect it of myself. i know that these are very intelligent, college-educated women, and it hurts me to the quick when they say they believe something just because the Catholic Church said so. they deserve better than to be spoon-fed their opinions (although they claim they've done their research). also, of course, when we discuss certain things in person, it gets heated and the insults can fly, and who knows how to wound you better than the best friend you've known since you were 10? so we avoid certain topics, and it's better that way.

in recent years, though, lauren and i have found that email can be a good way to converse about things: you can get all upset when you read it, but then calm down and write out a response over the next few days, look up information to support your argument and include the links, and most importantly, make sure you don't accidentally say something hurtful in the heat of the moment. for example, we talked about the pledge of allegiance a while back and it was a good talk. laur and i have had some good well-informed conversations and, while we haven't succeeded in changing each other's minds about anything whatsoever, i believe we've inspired each other to see things from the other's perspective, consider certain things more thoughtfully, and do further reading into issues that are important to us. all of which is very good. it's been more difficult lately, since she passionately adores a certain president of our country whom i passionately hate, but we still try very hard to try to look at things from the other's point of view.

however, in the interest of not pissing one another off, no one has yet brought up the subject of same-sex marriage. and i am as non-confrontational as possible, but i typed out an email and sent it to the four of them, not having any idea what they think on the subject. here's what i said:




Hi girls,

I know that there are some issues that we just don't talk about, but the events
going on in San Francisco and Massachussetts along with the President's statements
yesterday regarding civil marriages for same-sex couples has inspired me to let you
know how strongly I feel about this subject. I don't want to force my opinion on
you, and I don't want to start any kind of argument. I bring this up because I
genuinely want to know what you think about these issues, and I hope you are
approaching the matter thoughtfully and compassionately. If my bringing this up
makes you feel uncomfortable, let me know, but don't feel obligated to reply to this
message or get involved in any discussion if you don't want to. All I ask is that
you read what I have to say and give the issue some thought.

First of all, whether you support same-sex marriage or not, I hope that you do
oppose any sort of Constitutional amendment that would outlaw gay unions. The
Constitution is a document that protects our freedom, and it should only be altered
as a last resort. The fact that the President is pushing for an amendment speaks
strongly to me, as I feel that this sort of amendment would write discrimination
into a document designed to protect all Americans. A large number of noted
conservative politicians, including one of the authors of the Defense of Marriage
Act, have expressed displeasure for a Constitutional amendment as an extreme and
unnecessary act. If you have not heard about the President's speech yesterday,
please do some reading about it and think carefully about what he is saying.

I don't want to say too much else, because I really don't know how you feel about
this issue. I personally cannot see how allowing a monogamous same-sex couple to
marry in a civil ceremony would hurt the institution of marriage. Religious
institutions would not be forced to marry same-sex couples, just as they are not
forced to marry people who have been divorced or couples of two different faiths.
There are thousands of same-sex couples who are living a family life and raising
children; those families should receive the same protections that families headed by
heterosexual couples receive. Civil unions, while they are a step in the right
direction, only provide state rights, not the thousands of federal rights that a
marriage would enjoy, and civil unions are not necessarily honored in every state.
Same-sex couples only want the same civil benefits as other married couples: the
ability to visit each other in the hospital, be covered under a spouse's health
insurance, and receive social security and retirement benefits, as well as a host of
other things that heterosexual couples are able to take for granted. I can see no
reason why same-sex couples should be denied those rights just because of the person
they happened to fall in love with.

Now I feel like I've said too much, but I wanted to make myself clear and express my
thoughts. I hope very much that you'll think about the things I've said and
respond. In case you're unsure of how you feel, here are some links if you'd like
some further reading:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040225/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_gay_marriage_4
A yahoo news story on the President's speech yesterday--if the link doesn't work,
you can find this just by surfing through yahoo's recent news from the White House.

http://hrc.org/
The website for the Human Rights Campaign, a leading group supporting not only
same-sex marriages but a variety of other issues that are important to the LGBT
community. (The links below are more specific portions of the larger HRC website,
but I thought I'd give you the main link as well.)

http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/actioncenter/talking.html
This one is a question-and-answer list that discusses the basics of the gay marriage
issue, and it has a lot of good information.

http://www.hrc.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Family/Get_Informed1/Partners/Marriage3/Marriage.htm
An informational page regarding many aspects of same-sex marriage, including court
case information, information about various legislature, the difference between
marriage and civil unions and between civil and religious marriage, and the various
benefits that same-sex couples are denied.

Thank you for listening.

Roxanne

Comments

[queende.livejournal.com]

good for you dude:) it was a really well written email, and emails are so often the best way to go like you said. (especially with close friends regarding the BIG issues ie abortion, same-sex marriage, etc...been there;)

and if they disagree with you, they'll tell you. i don't get the impression that they would say "roxanne you are a moron wrapped in an idiot how dare you blah blah blah". there are definitely better ways to say "i disagree with you" than that!

so go you, and rock on:)

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

thanks!!