last night rox was sad

[supercheesegirl]

so yeah. i was sad last night. we had a good workshop, and we were all at the bar, sitting outside in the sunshine, having a nice time, and nina mentions to me that she has my old job working for dr. langenfeld and she finds my little notes everywhere. this was a perfectly normal, nice, conversational thing to say. but i didn't know before that moment that nina was the one who got the job--the job that i wanted desperately and did not get, not because dr. langenfeld didn't want me, but because they couldn't rearrange my assistantship money so i could switch jobs. and i knew that somebody else was going to get the job instead of me, and i was being very grown-up about it, but then last night i found out it was nina, and i got upset. nina's a very nice person, and she deserves a very nice job, and it's not her fault i wanted her job and didn't get it, so i didn't really say anything to her about it (why make her feel bad for something that's not her fault?), but i left pretty soon after that. and on my walk home, because i was upset already and i was walking by myself, i started thinking about all the things i shouldn't be thinking about in my life, like how i didn't get the job and how everyone else has a better job than me and everyone else is a better poet than me, and how sick i am of having to write poems, and how sick i am of the poems never being good enough, and how i never should have come here in the first place and dragged poor jorn down here, and i should just drop out because what's the point of getting an MFA when i'm not enjoying my time here and getting use out of it? because an MFA isn't like an MSW or an MBA or something--it's not going to enable me to do particular kinds of work that i couldn't do without it, and it's not going to even look that great on my resume. the point of an MFA is that it gives you two years (or one, or three, depending on the program) just to write and devote time and energy and love to the writing. which i don't do. i have to work too much and i'm not all that grateful to be here and i read too many fantasy novels and i keep looking forward to when i won't be in school anymore and i'll be living with jorn in boston and no one will require me to write any more poems.

so this is what i was thinking about as i walked home from the bar last night. by the time i got to my house, i was pretty much in tears, and i called jorn up and was all upset and interrupted him cleaning his toilet which i asked him to do in the first place. and so he said, come over here right now, and i grabbed some stuff and changed my smelly shirt and i did, and then i cried at his house and he tried to make me see how ridiculous i was being. which, i suppose, i was, but those thoughts are all still in my head and there's no getting rid of them. as i told jorn last night, there's no evidence to the contrary, so why *shouldn't* i think i'm a mediocre poet who shouldn't be here and is wasting her time?

after that, things got a bit better when we went to the free movie screening of "Dogtown and the Z-Boys", a documentary about skaters in the 1970s. it was really cool and had lots of good music, and we were all into it. danielle and i totally want to be peggy oki now (she's a surfer and skater, and she was the only girl they talked about in the movie, and she's totally talented, and now she's an environmentalist and graphic designer or something, and she's really phreakin' cute). the movie was shown downtown at The Green Bean, a really cool coffee shop i hadn't been to before (since there's two perfectly good coffee shops right down the street from me, so why go downtown?), but they had half-price lattes and beers, so i only spent $2 for a mocha latte, a biscotti, and the movie. it was cool. then i laid on jorn's bed and read a fantasy novel while he wrote a letter to his landlord and checked email and stuff.

it's not like i get depressed about the aforementioned stuff all the time; then i'd be really crazy. it's just always floating around in my head, and sometimes it floats to the front of my head. anyway, there's going to be a series of career workshops for english grad students, so i'm going to those (the first one is today! 3pm!) and maybe that will help. at least i'll learn how to make my c.v.

in other news, i slammed my finger on the copier and broke my longest nail under the skin. i had to cut the nail off with scissors since i don't keep nail clippers at work, and it's really short now, especially in comparison to all my nice long shiny nails. plus i couldn't get rid of the part of the break that's still under the skin, so it can't just grow back, it'll have to grow back until i can cut that part off and then really grow back. sigh.

this weekend should be good, though, and next weekend is suzie's wedding. but after that i have to teach a poetry class, so no offense, dear, but i'm hoping this week goes really slowly. :)

Comments

[painkiller.livejournal.com]

don't forget it wasn't like you just lifted Jorn up and forced in into NC. I remember him putting a lot of thought into moving. And I remember the first time I said when he took the subject up with me was, "dude, GO."

Patience, my friend, patience.

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

you're right, it was completely his decision to come here. i remember i had been looking into greensboro/boston air fares when he told me he would move, and i was shocked. and happy. and thanks for telling him to go, too--i think it was really the right decision for him to move, and he appreciated it so much that his friends were supportive.

and you know, without him living here would be 800 times harder.

[sleepyworm.livejournal.com]

You'd have more free time if I wasn't here! But a lot less good sex. And definitely no pokémon movies.

[sleepyworm.livejournal.com]

it's true. you also tell me that when I have to take a piss.

But anyway, it's been phun down here and all, but I can't wait for the day when we get to go back to boston. Party at our place, yo. :)

Re:

[painkiller.livejournal.com]

I also would order for you any time we went to the Deli Haus. I'm a take-charge kind of guy like that.

[sleepyworm.livejournal.com]

yeah! what kind of cheese do I like again?

Re:

[painkiller.livejournal.com]

Whatever I phucken order for you, biznatch!

[writesthings.livejournal.com]

hang in there, i am also constantly questionly why i am getting my MFA in writing, but it is a good thing, and it will only help you as a writer, and i dunno if your writing dept is all political and dramatic like mine (aren't all of them?) but it's just school BS, annoying and hard to escape, but all part of the dept usually. There is sometimes a competitive vibe in my dept too, like who has the most people in the audience during productions, and which faculty members decide to grace us with their presence, and who gets what award, and its all really SILLY...hang in there, stick with your instincts, and fuck anyone who tells you different...hehe ;-)

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

well, i'm sure your department is dramatic, mr. playwright (haha)! but yes, i know just what you mean. we're not competitive in terms of writing really, which is nice--there's just six or seven poets & the same amount of fiction writers per year here, for a total of 12-14 poets altogether, which is nice because we all have very different styles, plus we really can't get too pissy at each other since there's so few of us. but there's competitiveness in terms of jobs and financial aid, since there's hardly any to go around, and that's what gets me down (ie, i didn't win the competition, hehe). i'm feeling a lot better about it now that i've quit my second job, and i should have more time to just actually write poems and not worry...