supercheesegirl

an update on the money issues: i talked to my parents last night, and after explaining the situation, they said they don't have any plans to stop sending me money every month and why am i worrying so much, why don't i just quit the job? they said they like being able to help me. they are super people. also, when i told my mom that i figured out how much i spend on a monthly basis ($850 at least), and that i can't figure out how to cut back any more, she said "i don't know how you cut back to that to begin with." my parents are really super. so is my jorn.

so. i'm really going to quit the hlc. it would be most convenient to quit today, because then with my two weeks notice i would be done there before the weekend of suzie's wedding, since i would need to take off for that anyhow. but there's no way really i can get over to the hlc today since thursdays are my busy days, and i respect thad too much to just quit over the phone. so it'll have to be monday or tuesday that i tell him, and so i'll have to offer to make 9/28 my last day, which is a little over two weeks, since i won't be able to come in earlier that week because i'll be driving home from suzie's wedding. maybe he'll be nice and just say that's okay. i doubt it--he's not going to be happy i'm quitting. not at all.

maybe i'll go back in the spring.

in other news, i'm definitely going to subscribe to jane magazine. i have the card on the table all filled out in front of me.

and i actually don't have that much school work to do this week, just some reading & etc, so that's good. i can hopefully get to the library and a) scan some pics and b) read stuff for the class i'm going to have to teach on 9/24. i don't want to teach, at all, ever, really. but i feel like now i'm committed to sticking by the teaching internship and doing the best i can. and i feel like i should at least be capable of teaching, to fall back on. i just don't think i really am capable of teaching. i don't mean that in the sense of not being intelligent and full of information, or in the sense of not being able to communicate that information well, but i do mean in the sense of being too terrified to actually communicate anything.

here's an example. on tuesday, we had a workshop. before class, the students had written out critiques of some poems, i had critiqued a few poems, and terry (the prof) had critiqued a few poems, and we all brought our written notes to class. so the students did some workshopping of the poems they had critiqued, and then terry suggested i start discussion on one of the ones i critiqued. so i did, and i had looked at this poem in some depth, so i got the ball rolling and said some things and then asked the class what they thought. two kids totally disagreed with me. like, flat out. and i had no idea what to say. terry bailed me out and sort of compromised by saying that instead of adding imagery (as i had suggested) the girl could work on her line breaks to add tension. then i was able to use that to suggest she could also work on cutting out some awkward language, but after that i didn't talk for the rest of the class i don't think.

i just don't think i'm meant to be a teacher. it seems like every other phucking person in the mfa program, and the mfa alums, are all teaching now, or want to teach, or taught high school before they came here, or something. i just can't do it. ever since i was a little kid i've been scared of people in groups. in sixth grade i was chosen to read a little speech at the phucking christmas pageant, and i worried myself sick over it, could barely read the thing, and had to miss the rest of the pageant so i could go home and throw up, and i was sick and home from school for the next two days. it's only continued from there. i feel like, i'm an intelligent person, i'm capable of anything! i should be able to do this! i should be able to conquer this fear! but it's too scary. i couldn't do the "writers in the schools" volunteer project last year because i was too scared to talk in front of a grade school class. and now i'm terrified of eighteen undergrads who write poems. i am such an idiot.

on another note, why do so many of my journal entries end with me expressing hatred and contempt toward myself? that's not cool.

we watched Teh Ymmum Returns last night, and it was fun. we also built jorn's bed, and it's still standing this morning. that's good too.