cat discouragement

[supercheesegirl]

I haven't posted much about the cat lately. Because there hasn't been any news to post. I really feel discouraged about the cat. Locking him out of my bedroom was a big improvement, but now he just sits on the windowsill behind the microwave. I can pet him, and every day I try picking him up and holding him for a few minutes, but it's just not going anywhere. I want a regular cat. A cat who will twine around my ankles and trip me, a cat who will beg for dinner, a cat who will curl up on the couch with me and purr on my bed at night. A regular, normal cat. This cat, I mean, it's not that he doesn't like me, but I'm just worried that the hiding behavior is too ingrained in him for it to change. If I could have more than one cat I wouldn't care, but I can only have one cat, and so I'm doing all the work of having a cat and getting none of the benefits. We have our moments, sometimes, when I'm petting him, but I always have to seek him out and draw him out. It's been over a month now. I am too sad about this to try and try and try for months. I understand that this cat needs more time than other cats might, and he might need months, but I just can't do it. He gets until the end of May.

Comments

[lizabethanqueen]

What will you do with the cat?

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

Give him back to the people I got him from. It's a stray cat rescue organization, they don't ever put cats down. He'll find a new home eventually.

[indigoruadh.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry the cat is not working out the way you had hoped. *hug*

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :(

[digital-e.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry the cat is still hiding. I hope things work out for the both of you. I understand what you're going through.

[sarahpender.livejournal.com]

We've had good luck with adopting the wee wee kittens. They have learning to do, but they haven't learned a lot of neurotic behaviors yet. And they adopt you.

On the other hand, as you say, this one may just need more time.

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

I don't really have time for a kitten. I feel like a little kitten deserves better than to be left alone all day and most evenings. Although they are little globs of fuzzy joy and I would love one, I've said all along, no kitten. :(

[amazonsun.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry it's not working out. :(

[velvetwaltz.livejournal.com]

NOOOooo. dont get rid of him. it will only add to his anti-socialism. and it will be that much harder on the next person who tries to adopt him. this is your chance to break the cycle. let him know that someone will care enough about him to stay with him. isnt that why you "rescued" him?... its not like he has real behavioral problems like peeing everywhere and tearing up the curtains.

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

He does tear up the curtains, actually. I spent $45 on a goddamn scratching post and he's ripping up my curtains. But he uses his litter box, so that's something.

I "rescued" him because he seemed like a nice sweet cat who would be my friend, and I wanted to give him a good home. And he still seems like a sweet cat, but the hiding is so ingrained in him. If I want to spend time with him, I have to stand by the window, or sit in the chair by the window. Picking him up just freaks him out. I'm doing all the work of having a cat, but I don't get to enjoy the perks of having a cat, unless I stop what I'm doing and sit by the window. Being able to rescue a needy cat and give it a good home was one of my motivations for getting a cat, but I also wanted a friend, and I'm not getting that. There's no guarantee he'll ever be a friend to me, and it just makes me sad all the time! It's frustrating, and I just wanted a normal cat. Nothing on this cat's information said he had emotional problems. I wouldn'tve picked him if I'd known he would be like this. There are lots of perfectly nice cats who need homes who would like to be my friend and who don't have emotional problems. A different cat might be better for me, and if I give this cat back, it's not as if he's losing his only chance at a good home. This organization doesn't put cats down, ever, and they'll still work to find a good placement for him. He might be happier with someone else.

That said, I feel horrible about the idea of giving him back. But I also feel miserable about him all the time anyway, so what's worse?

[velvetwaltz.livejournal.com]

im sorry if i made you feel MORE guilty. that was not my intention. i was just giving it one more shot.
i do understand what you are saying about it just not working for you. when i lived with JP we got a young dog. and he was a chew-er. and needed major attention. and play time. but we didnt have the time/space. and we got so stressed out by the situation. we started fighting with each other. we had to give him back to the shelter. it was sooo sad.
there is a place in austin that allows you to take the pet home for a few days and "test-drive" it. maybe you can find a place like that in PA. so you can be sure to get a cat that doesnt have issues.

[pancom.livejournal.com]

The more I think about this situation, the more I know I have to discourage you from surrendering this cat.

Here's why:

Surrendering that cat means another cat doesn't get saved. It's simple math. That no-kill shelter won't kill your cat, but he will take up the cage space that could have been used to rescue another cat from the municipal shelter. And it's kitten season, which means all the shelters are bursting at the seams. Especially the municipal shelters, which are legally forbidden from refusing any surrender (and which are usually running above 100% capacity anyway). They can usually place the kittens because everyone wants a cute little kitten, but the adult cats sit in cages. Especially the old, cranky, scarred-up, or otherwise unattractive cats. Those are the ones the desperately overcrowded municipal shelters will put down. The ones your rescue organization would take and try to place. But all of those shelters have limited space and funding. If the resce shelter takes your cat back, that's one less cat they can save from the municipal shelter. That is, one less cat they can save from being put down. I know you don't want to think about it that way, but there it is.

Guilt trip aside, there simply hasn't been enough time for you to have any idea what that cat's personality is really like. Cats don't handle change well, and coming from a bustling shelter to a quiet apartment where he's alone most of the time, well, that's one hell of a change. We'd like to think he's had time to adjust, but the reality is that he's probably still scared shitless, and not entirely sure you don't want to eat him. So he's going to want to hide, and he's going to be uptight when you approach him, and he's not going to want to be held or to sit on your lap. And it's going to take a long time for that to change. Maybe years.

It takes a hell of a lot of trust for a cat to want to sit in your lap, or for him to be comfortable being held. A hell of a lot of trust; like the kind of trust it would take for you to let someone dangle you by your ankles from the top of the Chrysler Building. And unfortunately, you don't establish that kind of trust by forcing yourself on the cat. You have to interact with him on his terms, and prove to him that you're not going to get all Lennie Small on his ass. When you do pick him up, put him down the moment he starts to squirm. Let him know that all he has to do is ask. And you'll just have to wait for him to get in your lap. Erin has had Gideon longer than she's had me, some three years, and he's gaining four years old. This winter was the first time he sat in her lap. And it was probably as much for warmth as companionship. That's not all that unusual.

You have to let the cat be who he's going to be, not who you want him to be. That's how he's going to get comfortable around you. And that's when he's going to become a better companion.

(continued)

[pancom.livejournal.com]

(continued from above)

Eudora was a stray, damn near feral, around Erin's mother's house. Jacque first saw the cat wandering around the back yard, scrawny and pregnant, trying to take down the birds at the feeder. She put out food, but the cat would not come near while she was outside. She had to go back inside and watch from the shadows, because the cat would not eat if she could see Jacque inside the window. Jacque fed her for eight months, and it took most of that time for the cat to trust her enough to eat while Jacque was sitting there. Even with all that, the only reason the cat ever came inside was that she had a pregnancy complication that nearly killed her (she had four dead kittens inside her for several days...this was not the original pregnancy, but a second one). After the cat convalesced and weaned her one surviving kitten, Erin and I took her in on a trial basis. She stayed at my apartment for a couple of weeks, during which time she hid under the loveseat. Then we started introducing her to Gideon, which reached an acceptable level of stability after about six weeks. It was not until we moved both of them into the new apartment that they really established an equilibrium. And it was not until then that Eudora started to come out of her shell and reveal herself as a social kitty. Now she loves to kill toys, and she loves attention, which means killing toys 'cuz that's how she gets her attention. She will tolerate being picked up, but only for about thirty seconds. And she likes to be near us but she absolutely will not sit in a lap. Frankly, we're amazed at how social she has turned out to be. We always kind of figured she would be the cat under the bed.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is give the cat more time. Don't push him, but let him settle in at his own rate. Try to do some things to make him more comfortable. Let him have a hiding place and let him hide until he feels safe coming out. And let him go back to his hiding place whenever he wants to. Leave a radio on tuned to a talk radio station while you're gone all day, so he doesn't feel quite so isolated. Leave treats near you to lure him, and treat him for coming and visiting. Pet him until he decides he doesn't want to be petted anymore, and then leave him alone. When you pick him up, put him down (gently) the moment he starts to squirm. It's a pain in the ass, but you have to gain his trust.

And look around for a book about dealing with unhappy cats. My advice is all amateur; find out what the professional behaviorists have to say about it. They'll probably have much better advice than I can offer.

And if you decide you have to let him go, wait until kitten season is over in the fall. Because there's not room for him right now.

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

1. The rescue organization doesn't just keep cats in cages in a shelter. Most of their cats are fostered with volunteers, who then bring the cats to PetSmart on the weekends to meet potential owners. This means that there's a lot more space for rescued cats than in a typical shelter. They also don't seem to turn over the cats very quickly--Stormy was fostered for a few months, I think, and some of the cats I met the day I met Stormy are still available. I don't know that they're hurting for space, or that this cat would make a significant dent in their available space.

2. Also, were I to return the cat, I would most likely take a new cat. Not the same day, because I would probably be too distraught about returning this cat, but in the next few weeks. The rescue organization ladies have been super nice and have suggested several other cats who might be a better fit with me. Fill up one cage, empty another cage.

3. This cat does not leave his hiding spots. Ever. If I am in the house and awake, he is in one hiding spot. I could be in the house all damn day and he won't move. When I'm asleep or out, I know he does move, because he eats and pees and plays with his mouse and switches hiding spots, but never ever ever when I am home and awake. There is no letting him come to me in this situation. If I want to pet the cat, I have to stop what I'm doing and go to him. He's happy to be petted when I do this, he loves the petting, but I would like a cat who will hang out in the apartment when I'm also in the apartment. I'm not even saying a lap cat, just a cat who will be in the room with me and beg me for dinner and do normal cat things. He's four years old and has always behaved this way because no one ever discouraged him from it. There was nothing in his information when I picked him out to suggest that he'd be a hider, even though his foster mom had known how he was. I would never have chosen this cat if I'd known this. It would take a lot of work and time and effort to break him of this habit, and I don't know that I've got it in me. Which is selfish and terrible and yes I'm a bad person.

[pancom.livejournal.com]

If I thought you were selfish and terrible and a bad person I wouldn't be your friend.

[pancom.livejournal.com]

Hey, I wasn't trying to come down on you or guilt you, it's just that after volunteering with the shelter cats (yes, at PetsMart), I've seen enough bullshit mistreatment and disregard for the poor animals that I get a bit pissy about it sometimes. It seems some people will surrender a cat because it doesn't go with the fucking living room furniture.

If the cat is a long-term hider, you're probably not going to change that. You're right; that should have been divulged before you adopted him. Unfortunately the communication between the foster people and the in-store adoptions volunteers can be pretty spotty. I usually didn't know anything more about the cats than was on their kennel cards. It sound like that same breakdown in communication may have caught you in the middle, especially with what you learned later.

Almost all cats will act very differently in the kennels than they will at home. I don't know about that PetsMart or the rescue organization there, but the one where I volunteered was connected with the county animal shelter. Many of the cats lived in the cages, which is of course not an ideal habitat for a cat (kinda like sticking a human in a 6x8' prison cell). They would get depressed and apathetic, and after a while they would even get cage-crazy, afraid to come out or to be touched, and violently defensive. It's kind of hard to place a cat that's acting like that. But get them home, and they're completely different. Unfortunately, a fraidy cat can also act differently in the weird environment of the adoption center, and display submissive behaviors that we humans interpret as affection. It's weird.

So I'm glad to hear you've been talking a lot with the volunteers about cats that are a better fit. Do bear in mind that most often the cats in the foster homes are around other cats, usually in a very kitty-social environment. Any of those cats may act very differently in an apartment alone with just one human who's gone most of the day. Not trying to alarm you; just something to keep in mind when you're talking with the volunteers.

Good luck with it. *hug*

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

I know you weren't trying to guilt me. I can't help feeling guilted, though, and I'm getting it from all sides--my mom makes me feel guilty for not returning this cat already and getting a "better" one who will be "more deserving" of my love. So, yeah, there's no way out of the cat misery, it's an all-around condition no matter what I eventually decide.

This cat is happy in enclosed spaces. He was in a cage at the PetSmart, which is an enclosed space, and he therefore felt safe and could be affectionate, which is why I took him. Sigh.

Regarding kitty-social foster environments: I have been keeping it in mind, and every time I talk with them I reiterate my need for a cat who will be happy as an only cat. We've talked about quite a few cats they know who are really affectionate and also don't like other cats, which sounds like a good kind of cat for me.